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Carolina Panthers: The Sanchize Cometh and Right Soon

By John Woodcock

Jan 3, 2016; East Rutherford, NJ, USA; Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Mark Sanchez (3) prior to the game against the New York Giants at MetLife Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Jim O
Jan 3, 2016; East Rutherford, NJ, USA; Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Mark Sanchez (3) prior to the game against the New York Giants at MetLife Stadium. Mandatory Credit: Jim O /
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The Carolina Panthers are in the worst case scenario…Mark Sanchez is about to have thumb surgery. Read on at own risk.

The Carolina Panthers are doomed. It’s over. They have no chance. Yesterday the Denver Broncos announced that Mark Sanchez would have thumb surgery and would be out seven to ten days and miss the beginnings of OTAs.

This means one of two things. One is that rookie quarterback Paxton Lynch will find himself over OTAs and return the Broncos to Super Bowl contender status over the course of training camp. That of course would lead to a week one matchup with the Panthers with a renewed and reinvigorated Broncos offense leading to a blowout loss that drags the entire Panthers season down with it.

Alternatively it could mean that Mark Sanchez’s surgery could turn him into a superhuman using the same logic from 90s movies like ‘Rookie of the Year.’ Sound impossible? The last time the Panthers faced a quarterback with a known thumb problem they were losing the NFC Divisional Playoff to Kurt Warner. Warner famously wore gloves to alleviate his thumb problem.

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NY Jets news: Quincy Williams makes history, Mark Sanchez on the call
NY Jets news: Quincy Williams makes history, Mark Sanchez on the call /

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    • The prospect of a Super Sanchize should be enough to lose hope for the season. If the Panthers cannot win a game against Mark Sanchez, then what is left? No one will understand that Sanchez was given a titanium thumb over the next seven days.

    There are a number of Jets fans who believe that Sanchez was only a superior arm away from being a dominant NFL quarterback. What better cover to install a bionic replacement than a ‘thumb’ injury that requires surgery.

    Or perhaps you doubted Sanchez’s decision making process? That too will be fixed with his new bionic arm. Instead of Sanchez having full control of his arm, John Elway will command the arm remotely using a small helmet camera to see the field from a TV screen in the owners’ booth.

    Next: Panthers Sign Six Rookies

    May we all pray for mercy and hope the NFL stops this travesty before the cyborg Sanchez destroys the very league he loves.

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